30.

itsperfect

Next month, heck not even in 30 days I will be 30!

No big deal. Wrong! It is. I’m going through this crazy emotional roller coaster.  Crazier than normal! This time around I realize why. Not something that happens often. Generally I feel crazy go crazy, and in two weeks stuff it all down and forget about it! The over all big picture “why” came to me recently.

In this new year I vowed to turn my life around. BE. Be productive, save more, pay debt, be a better mom/fiance, and the list goes on. Bound and determined I was going to make everything better and everything and everyone would be happy. I started this blog. A new instagram. I got off my social media accounts. I was living more frugal, paying debts down, cutting coupons, seeing friends and family more. The list went on. Life is good, why am I unhappy?!!! Everything is going so good! WHY? What the hell? Every good step I personally felt two steps backwards.

My life is good.

Cleaning out a desk I found journals. They’re mine from over the years. I read the entries. I had some short term, some long term, but all from the last 10 years. And I cried this ugly cry. Here I am at 29 STILL writing lists and journals about being unhappy. Everything I want to change is about myself. I focus on every thing and every one around me and never ever everrrrr do I focus on myself.  Yeah, I know that is pretty typical of most women and moms. But it made me sad that 10 years ago my life was in the gutter low down and I was lost. (That’s another story for another day) and here I sit today turned all around and still feeling that feeling I felt then.

I’ve managed to change everything I wanted; but myself. It’s so odd but until that moment I never realized how disappointed I was and letting myself down. Here is the reason every goal I accomplish externally the person internally I’m still so sad.

I started this online blog to document. My life, my debt free journey, the road to building a home, I’ll be getting married, and so on. But never felt like I deserved it. Isn’t that odd? I feel like a fraud–I don’t deserve a good life. There are times I sit in front of my laptop and try to write random posts but stop because who am I to tell anyone anything? I can’t write about anything going good because I don’t feel “good.”

Oh, I’m not trying to write and bore anyone with woe is me. I am generally happy. And for it’s worth I’m actually REALLY proud of the things I have accomplished!

Turning 30 I promise these next ten years I will focus on myself. Take care of myself. Love myself. Make time for myself. So when I am 40 and reading back I can write what I did and not what to change!

My 30 for 30.

(things to accomplish of the first years of my 30’s!)

  1. Join a gym/make time to better your health. Allow myself the time to workout at least 4 times a day. No matter how busy life is I’m allowed to put other things on the back burner to do something for myself TIME wise that betters my health. Which in turn will help me lose 35 pounds I’ve been writing about for 10 years.
  2. Try bangs.
  3. Hike to a waterfall.
  4. Get a promotion at work.
  5. Vacation on a beach.
  6. Learn how to bake—something (I’m really awful at baking)
  7. Be able to run a mile straight, nonstop. I don’t care if it takes 45 minutes I just don’t want to have to stop!
  8. Find a way to make a girls weekend with my best friends.
  9. Renew a will and find a better insurance policy.
  10. Get a passport.
  11. Grow my garden and really utilize it and preserve it.
  12. Find my style–and remove allllllll clothing I DO NOT WEAR.
  13.  Volunteer. Do 12 good deeds.
  14. Update my wordpress weekly. Document this good life!
  15. Do everything I can to increase the amount of money going into the building a home fund! The end of year goals is $23k, try and up it by $3k!
  16. Weekly, no matter where, keep a gratitude journal/post. Always remember there is something to be grateful for!
  17. Stop Comparing yourself to others.
  18. Stop spending money on others. Stop being the one who PAYS for everything!
  19. Learn how to make coffee beverages at home besides just coffee!
  20. Create a routine to prioritize my time better.
  21. Create myself a clean and happy work place.
  22. Find a side business I enjoy.
  23. Learn to eat breakfast even if it is a smoothie.
  24. Be more present in my every day, the past is over!
  25. Budget hair and pedicures into the budget 🙂
  26. love myself.
  27. love myself.
  28. love myself.
  29. love myself.
  30.  Remember: to love myself.

3 comments

  1. I took turning 30 in stride, and so far the thought of turning 40 in a few months isn’t affecting me so bad. I think we create too many rules for ourselves about how to be deserving and what we have to do to be worthy of happiness. I feel like that a lot even though for the most part my life is really good. Whenever I start to dwell on it too much I tell myself that the fact that I am here, living and breathing makes me worthy of all the good things I have and experience. Happy early birthday!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s